Direct answer
The key is dividing the strategic, not just the execution: while the executed task ends, the mental load of planning, remembering and managing the whole process tends to fall invisibly on the woman and must be named and shared.
Execution is not the same as strategy
Changing the diaper is execution. But for that to happen, someone must ensure water in the thermos, have the wipes, buy the diaper and check if the clothes still fit. This invisible ecosystem is the mental load — and it's what's exhausting.
Why it falls on the woman
From an early age, women are socially programmed for caregiving: they play with dolls, care for siblings and cousins. Men don't grow up with this "caregiving chip." So it's not just biological, it's social.
How to truly share
- Design the roles instead of leaving them to guesswork — it's even worth opening an Excel sheet and writing who handles what.
- Hand over the whole package: if school is the father's role, he tracks grades, talks to the teacher and schedules the meeting.
- Accept that the other does it their way: "I do it better" is often just "I do it my way."
Flexibility within the division
The relationship isn't a fixed 50/50; it's reaching 100% together. Sometimes one is at 30 and the other at 70 — what matters is not falling below 100. When one takes on more for a period (like the night shifts with the baby), it's a negotiated choice, not an imposition.